Black Balloon: June 1, 1988

There are days that are etched into our brains that we never forget. June 1, 1988, was one of those times. It was the day my world crashed into a million pieces. A black balloon filled my world and I wondered if it would ever be the same again. It was the day the doctor told me Joy was delayed in verbalization and gross motor development, He said, “Joy may have severe mental re - uh learning problems.”

Nothing prepared me for the news I heard that day. I don’t know if he said it that way on purpose or by accident, but I didn’t miss the implication. I was devastated!

As I sat on a chair across from the doctor darkness invaded my being. There were two things in life I always feared and one of them was that I would have a child with a disability. I felt like Job after he lost his wealth, family and finally his health when he said in Job 3:25-26: “The worst of my fears has come true, what I’ve dreaded most has happened. My repose is shattered, my peace destroyed. No rest for me, ever - death has invaded life.”

I was absolutely distraught. I was all alone in a doctor’s office in a large teaching hospital being told that my child had a serious problem. The doctor had been kind in his delivery of the diagnosis, but it didn’t calm the pain I felt inside. I had a diaper bag, purse and Joy in my arms. Feeling overwhelmed by the news I struggled to make it to the car without falling down on the floor in a heaping mess and just bawling my head off.

I was afraid if I started crying, I might never stop. I felt like humpty dumpty when he fell off the wall and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men could not put humpty together again. My dear, perfect little girl …retarded…. How could this be? What had I done wrong? Why Joy? Oh Lord, please help me!

I held the tears inside until I got to the car. My body was filled with a gut-wrenching pain like I had never felt before in my life. With Joy in hand, I struggled to find the keys hidden deep inside my purse. Where were they? Come on…I need to get in my car so I can cry. I felt them and quickly placed them in the lock of the car door. I unlocked the back door and lovingly placed Joy in her car seat. With silent tears flowing down my cheeks I said, “Joy I love you so much.” I climbed in the front seat of the car. I began to cry, not quiet sobs but gut wrenching cries of pain. I sat a few minutes wondering how in the world I would drive home. I sobbed the entire 30 miles from the hospital to my home while beating my hand on the steering wheel and screaming at the top of my lungs.

When I arrived home my eyes were red and puffy. My darling Don had just arrived home as I drove in the driveway. With his usual lanky stride, he came to the car door with a smile on that good looking face of his. As he opened the door I continued to cry as I shared what the doctor had said. Don said, “Oh honey the doctor didn’t mean it. He was painting a worst-case scenario.”

Now I was even more devastated. My husband was telling me without saying it that I was exaggerating what the doctor had said. Angrily I said, “This is the last time I will take Joy to the doctor alone. Next time you are going along with me.”

I never expected the sunshine in my life to turn into a thunderstorm. My heart was broken into a million pieces. God wouldn’t allow something like this to happen, would he?

Babies with disabilities happened to other people. People who abused their body by not taking care of it. People who took drugs. Isn’t that what the statistics showed? I prayed every night for my unborn child. Lots of people didn’t pray for their children or even believe in God. I didn’t understand any of this. I struggled with the unfairness of it.

My guilt feeling took on a spiritual aspect. Was God punishing me for something I did, said, or thought? Was I mean to someone with a disability and now God was letting me know how it felt? But if that was the case, why did God not punish me by disabling me?

Why would God punish my child? Like so many other parents with a child with a disability I wondered, Why God? Why?

I was angry with God. I knew I shouldn’t be mad at Him, but the truth was whether I wanted to be or not. I was. I remember someone saying to me. “It’s Ok to be angry Cindy. You aren’t surprising God. He already knows it.”

Have you ever been angry at God feeling like you didn’t deserve what was happening to you?

I believe it is important to understand that behind the anger is hurt and disappointment – most likely disappointment with God.

I’ve been there. How about you? What do you do when God doesn’t make sense?

I know I am not the only one to grapple with the question, why? Why me? Where are you God? Are you even there?

What do we do about those thoughts?

Thankfully there is something that can be done. There is an answer but it’s not a take a pill and get over it kind of answer. Learning to trust God through the trials of life has been a slow process for me. A process that is still under way.

When Don and I married we chose Proverbs 3:5-6 as our life verse. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.”

I’m glad I didn’t know the curve balls life would throw at me in the years or how broken I’d become. I didn’t know all the times I’d pray, “Lord, I don’t understand why this happened.” And most importantly I didn’t realize how much I had to learn about trusting God.

36 years have come and gone since the day I sat in the doctor’s office and received the devastating news about Joy. Those years were filled with tears and questions. As I reflect on the hardest days of my life, I can see that God was there in the middle of my mess to hold me, help me and comfort my broken heart. And, my friends, just as God continues to be with me, he is with you … today, tomorrow. and every day.

In exactly one week we will celebrate Thanksgiving. I am calling today Thankful Thursday because as I’ve looked back and reflected on where I’ve been and how far I’ve come I cannot help but be thankful to God for:

His faithfulness…

His strength…

His love…

His joy…

His peace…

“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” - Lamentations 3:22-23