Hope: 1995
In Psalm 13:1(NIV) David questioned the Lord praying, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God.
Throughout scripture, we see person after person pour out their pain to the Lord, so I guess that it makes sense that for 2 ½ years I poured out my heart to God as well.
I BARGAINED with Him.
I PLEADED with him.
“Oh God, if you’ll just help Joy talk I promise I will….” (You fill in the blank because I was willing to promise anything if only God would touch Joy and help her talk.)
Every time I prayed for Joy I would burst into tears pleading with God to redo the faulty wiring in her brain and to help her talk.
I went through my Bible and marked every instance where Jesus touched someone who was mute and they began to talk. I prayed over those verses and claimed them, but nothing changed with Joy. I felt like my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling of my bedroom. I searched and confessed any sin in my life that I could think of and I told God I was sorry if there was something I did that I could not recall. I just wanted to fix whatever was preventing God from hearing my prayers for Joy.
As time passed, I realized without a miracle Joy was not going to talk. She was going to be disabled. As I acknowledged this, sadness and depression filled my being. I was in a spiritual crisis. I no longer believed God cared about me and I no longer trusted God. I was in what Dr. R. T. Kendall senior minister of Westminster Chapel in London calls the “betrayal barrier.”
The “betrayal barrier is a terrible place to be. I was scared; because, who can you turn to if you cannot turn to God? I was without hope.
Dr.Kendall, says “more than 90% of us fail to breakthrough this betrayal barrier after feeling abandoned by God.”
Let me repeat that…“more than 90% of us fail to breakthrough the betrayal barrier after feeling abandoned by God.” This should cause us deep concern within our faith community. Can we prevent this from happening and if so how?
Dr. James Dobson explained my struggle almost to the letter in his book When God Doesn’t Make Sense. In that book Dr. Dobson wrOtes,
"There is no greater distress in human experience than to build one's entire way of life on a certain theological understanding, and then have it collapse at a time of unusual stress and pain. A person in this situation faces the crisis that rattled his foundation. Then he must deal with the anguish of rejection. The God whom he has loved, worshiped, and served turns out to appear silent, distant, and uncaring in the moment of greatest need. Do such times come even to the faithful? Yes, they do, although we are seldom willing to admit it within the Christian community….
When the heat is on and confusion mounts, some believers go through a horrendous spiritual crisis. They "lose God." Doubt rises up to obscure His presence and disillusionment settles into despair. The greatest frustration is knowing that He created the entire universe by simply speaking it into existence, and He has all power and all understanding. He could rescue. He could heal. He could save. But why won't He do it? This sense of abandonment is a terrible experience for someone whose entire being is rooted in the Christian ethic. Satan then drops by for a little visit and whispers, "He is not there! You are alone...
What does such a person do when God makes no sense? To whom does he confess his troubling - even heretical - thoughts? From whom does he seek counsel? What does he tell his family when his faith is severely shaken?”
I can tell you from personal experience that just as Dr. Dobson said in his book, there is no greater distress in human experience than to build ones entire way of life on a certain theological understanding and then have it collapse at a time of unusual stress and pain.
I believed God was all-powerful and had created the entire universe. I believed he knew everything about Joy there was to know, including the number of hair on her head. I believed he could heal her if he chose to do so. Why wouldn’t He do it?”
One day I was in the kitchen. it was raining outside. I was on the telephone talking to my friend, Judy Hammarberg. Judy’s husband, Arnold, had at one time been our church’s pastor. We continued our friendship long after they had moved on to another ministry. There were few people I felt I could share my feelings with without being judged. But I felt safe with Judy, so I told her point blank how I was feeling. I’ll never forget her response. “Cindy, you cannot trust your feelings. Your feelings are unreliable. Trust the Bible and what it says. Trust God.”
I wanted to trust God. Oh, how I wanted to trust God but I just could not. The betrayal barrier had me in its web. I prayed for God to take me home to heaven because I could not stand being in so much pain.
I read Dr. James Dobson’s book, When God Doesn’t Make Sense a second time. This time I saw something that I had not noticed before. A ray of light began to shine through the darkness when I read something to the effect that when God doesn’t make sense it isn’t God that doesn’t make sense; it’s that our understanding of Him is somehow skewed.
That understanding changed my life as I realized my spiritual struggle was a result of a misunderstanding of the Word of God. Dr. Dobson’s book helped me realize that my problem was theological but, who could I talk to?
In the Christian community when someone struggles many times they are judged. The judgement in mathematical terms has 2 +2 equaling 5. I’ve heard people say with a pious look, “You really find out what kind of Christian a person is when they go through adversity.”
Really? How sad that someone would say something like that. I had a misunderstanding of God and his Word and my relationship to Him. I needed help, not judgment. My self-worth was at an all-time low. I was afraid to even go to a Bible study because I didn’t feel I could be honest without being gossiped about. I talked to God but didn’t feel he heard me. I just wanted someone to hear my despair and help me find HOPE!
I lacked spiritual maturity not because I didn’t want that in my life; but because I didn’t know how to make that happen. I had done all the things “Christians” are supposed to do. I was in church every time the church door was open. I read my Bible. I prayed. I obeyed as best I could all the dos and don’ts I was taught growing up. I married a wonderful man of faith. When we had children, we tried to raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
I asked God, “What more do you want from me?” I had nowhere to turn and my body was filled with so much emotional and spiritual pain I could hardly bear it but I could identify with what Dr. Dobson’s had written and was determined to find someone who could help me with my theological problem.
What am I going to do? Where do I go to get help?
There was a woman I worked with whom I trusted. In my conversations with her she’d tell me about the Bible studies she had in her home. I decided to talk to her about what was going on in my life to see if she would be willing to help me spiritually.
I simply asked her, “Will you study the Bible with me?”
Her response was, “You know my favorite thing to do is to study the Bible.”
And study the Bible we did. We began in Genesis and that first study started my love affair with Jesus and the Bible became addicting.
When Joy died I grieved but I have HOPE because of what I’ve learned through my friends’ Bible studies.
HOPE! Isn’t that what we all long for? God gives that to us when we have a proper understanding of God, His Word and our relationship.
I am not an expert in biblical studies; but, I am praying that as I share what God has taught me that I will be used by God to help others.
2 Corinthians 1:3, 4 has become my motto: “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”
